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NSS goes Ratty President unleashes ruthless rodent taskforce A satirical look at population control by Pte. Anonymous. October 2001 While the United States and its Western Allies open a new front in the war against international terrorism with air raids on Afghanistan's ruling Taliban and al-Qaeda terrorist network, the Maldives National Security Service is faced with a more difficult task - that of eradicating rodent mammals from the vicinity of Malé, the capital of the Maldives. The leader of the country, Mullah President General Maumoon Abdul Gayyoom (a graduate of the al-Azhar Islamic seminary in Cairo) has pledged to lead the most noble war against rats. A similar operation was held in Malé to coincide with Operation Desert Storm against Saddam Hussain in 1991. 'Society rats' targeted According to a recent press statement issued by the the Ministry of Defence and National Security, Mullah President General Maumoon Abdul Gayyoom has ordered his military force, the National Security Service, to launch a marine assault followed by infantry raids to capture all rodent mammals in metropolitan Male' and its offshore suburb of Villingili. The General Staff of the National Security Service have reaffirmed their unquestioning loyalty to their formidable leader - a much decorated veteran of several such successful campaigns in the past. The Officers in full combat fatigues are already in the War Room planning and executing the assault. Highly trained National Security Service commandos are under strict orders to leave no stones unturned in this national emergency. A specialist division of the sniffer regiment has also been mobilised to follow any leads in the rodent trail. 'Rats attempting to swim offshore will be shot on sight' According to a military spokesman, in this operation rat hangouts and mating areas will be specifically targeted. Old rats and young rats, society rats and street rats will be hunted down and caught dead or alive. Rats attempting to swim offshore will be shot on sight. The commandos will fight, kill and maim. They will fight in the air; they will fight in the alleyways and by-ways; they will fight on roof-tops and down the drains, the channels and the lagoons; they will never surrender. Coast Guard vessels and amphibious armoured personnel carriers are on standby for the attack. Military experts say that Mullah President General Maumoon Abdul Gayyoom can only win this war if he uses chemical agents such as pesticides. This may be the first chemical warfare of this kind. Mullah President General Gayyoom's civilian staff is already drafting a Joint Communiqué to be issued by the National Security Service High Command and the General's Civilian Secretariat at the successful completion of the planned operation. top

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